Jokes (in case of boredom)
- Thread starter lukyman
- Start date
lukyman
Casual Member
A little old man totters into a chemist for some viagra...
He says.."I need em cut into quarters"..
The chemist replies.."a quarter tablet will not give you much of a hard on"..
The old man says "Im 96 years old and i don't have much use for a hard on...i
just want it stickin out enough for me to stop pissin on me slippers.."
:roll:
He says.."I need em cut into quarters"..
The chemist replies.."a quarter tablet will not give you much of a hard on"..
The old man says "Im 96 years old and i don't have much use for a hard on...i
just want it stickin out enough for me to stop pissin on me slippers.."
:roll:
lukyman
Casual Member
A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does f##k all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
:lol:
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does f##k all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
:lol:
lukyman
Casual Member
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't shag him."
"Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't shag him."
lukyman
Casual Member
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
:mrgreen: :lol:
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
:mrgreen: :lol:
prophetable
Forum Newbie
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
lukyman
Casual Member
Why there are no male Agony Aunts - Dear Jim last week - I left for work as normal but having only gone a mile my car broke down so I walked home again & arriving unexpectedly I found my 16yr old babysitter handcuffed to the bed in her school uniform with my husband in the room, I am devastated can you help? Dear Sally: A common cause for this is dirt in your carburettor don't let your fuel drop too low in the tank hope this helps....Jim.
lukyman
Casual Member
A doctor is sat in his shared practice examining a patient when another doctor suddenly bursts in through the door.
"Dr. Smith, you've got to come to my room quick!" he gasped.
"I have a woman in my room who has a vagina like a watermelon!"
The doctor thought this has to be something he has to see so he follows his colleague into his room where the woman is lying on her back with her legs open.
The doctor looks at the vagina for a few minutes, frowning before saying,
"I don't understand, Dr. Walsh, this woman's vagina looks perfectly normal to me."
"Taste it!" replies the Dr.
"Dr. Smith, you've got to come to my room quick!" he gasped.
"I have a woman in my room who has a vagina like a watermelon!"
The doctor thought this has to be something he has to see so he follows his colleague into his room where the woman is lying on her back with her legs open.
The doctor looks at the vagina for a few minutes, frowning before saying,
"I don't understand, Dr. Walsh, this woman's vagina looks perfectly normal to me."
"Taste it!" replies the Dr.
lukyman
Casual Member
A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom.
"You know what" says 7year old "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you".
"OK" says 4year old.
Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have Coco pops, bitch".
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?".
"Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops."
"You know what" says 7year old "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you".
"OK" says 4year old.
Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have Coco pops, bitch".
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?".
"Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops."
heatonfan
Forum Newbie
I have to admit to sharing lukyman's taste in jokes, but as an irishman, currently 'back home' sitting in front of a computer in County Down I thought the following was in better taste... 
ghosts
Three Irish women go to confession and all three tell the priest that they have been having bad dreams about ghosts. The priest gets mad and decides to mention it during the Mass on Sunday.
"Before we leave Mass today I want to say a few things about what I've been hearing in confession. There is no such things as ghosts, and those of you dreaming about ghosts should quit telling me about it. Now has anyone else in this church had a dream about a ghost?"
Paddy is sitting in the back row half asleep and he raises his hand.
"Paddy, now don't tell me you've been having dreams about a ghost too," asks the priest?
"Oh I'm sorry Father", says Paddy, " I thought you said goat."
ghosts
Three Irish women go to confession and all three tell the priest that they have been having bad dreams about ghosts. The priest gets mad and decides to mention it during the Mass on Sunday.
"Before we leave Mass today I want to say a few things about what I've been hearing in confession. There is no such things as ghosts, and those of you dreaming about ghosts should quit telling me about it. Now has anyone else in this church had a dream about a ghost?"
Paddy is sitting in the back row half asleep and he raises his hand.
"Paddy, now don't tell me you've been having dreams about a ghost too," asks the priest?
"Oh I'm sorry Father", says Paddy, " I thought you said goat."
grtedesco
Forum Newbie
In relation to patience on trading, waiting for A+ signals:
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Grandfather, father and son living on a farm in the back Wales, one Saturday night the son's missing, he's never been out before, father's a bit worried, he comes back at 10 o clock and his Dad asks him, Where have you been Son? the sons says - "I've been with Elsie at the top farm, O Boy such passion"
Next Saturday night, the father's missing, 1 o clock in the morning when he comes back and the Grandfather asks him, 'What time do you call this? Where have you been Son?' and the son says - "I've been with Elsie at the top farm, O Boy such passion"
Next Saturday night the grandfather's missing, no sign of him at all, the son and the dad get up in the morning and milk the bull, no sign of him, he comes back after lunch and the Father asks him - "Where have you been Dad?" and the grandfather says - "I've been with Elsie at the top farm, O boy such PATIENCE!"
He had the patience and I think he missed the trade!
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Source: <a class="postlink" href="http://forums.babypips.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://forums.babypips.com</a>
:lol: :cry:
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Grandfather, father and son living on a farm in the back Wales, one Saturday night the son's missing, he's never been out before, father's a bit worried, he comes back at 10 o clock and his Dad asks him, Where have you been Son? the sons says - "I've been with Elsie at the top farm, O Boy such passion"
Next Saturday night, the father's missing, 1 o clock in the morning when he comes back and the Grandfather asks him, 'What time do you call this? Where have you been Son?' and the son says - "I've been with Elsie at the top farm, O Boy such passion"
Next Saturday night the grandfather's missing, no sign of him at all, the son and the dad get up in the morning and milk the bull, no sign of him, he comes back after lunch and the Father asks him - "Where have you been Dad?" and the grandfather says - "I've been with Elsie at the top farm, O boy such PATIENCE!"
He had the patience and I think he missed the trade!
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Source: <a class="postlink" href="http://forums.babypips.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://forums.babypips.com</a>
:lol: :cry:
fjasonf
Forum Newbie
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"
thesoldier
Forum Newbie
That was good, I will first tell it to my wife, then to my pastor.