Jokes (in case of boredom)

[lukyman]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 

[lukyman]

- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
(You looked at your thumb... didn't you?)

 

[lukyman]

Ken Barlow, Stuart Hall, Kevin Webster, Rolf Harris, Freddie Star, Jim Davidson... Tel you what, the prison pantomime is gonna be good this year!

 

[lukyman]

The 3 women in Ohio held captive for 10 years have been interviewed live on CNN news. All 3 had the same question ....

Have Arsenal won anything yet?

 

[lukyman]

During the 2nd half of the Champions League Final Alex Ferguson remonstrated with the 4th official to introduce a ball. Confused the official told Alex that there was already one on the pitch to which Ferguson replied,'I know but Barcelona are using that one!' :lol:

 

[lukyman]

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife.
The Constable said, "Is this your wife sir?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes"
He said, "I'm afraid I have to tell you that it looks like she’s been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

 

[lukyman]

My dog ate a condom last night.Try explaining that to the vet as it's hanging halfway out of his arse. :shock:

 

[lukyman]

What do we want?
An end to Tourettes.
When do we want it?
****.

 

[lukyman]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man CITY fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied..
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man CITY fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man CITY fan, and my dad is a Man CITY fan, so I'm a Man CITY fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man CITY fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time…
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

 

[prophetable]

Apologies in advance for this one:

The Bacon Tree


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath....

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees....


Ees.....

Ees....



Ees....

Ees...


Ees....




Ees..... a ham bush...."

 

[lukyman]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her bloody appendix out!"

 

[TheForexGuy]

 

[vasude]

dnb,who is she?

 

[TheForexGuy]

In short Vas I don't know

It's called a meme, basically an internet joke that has a picture that relates to the text.

 

[lukyman]

dnb,who is she?

My Wife after I told her she was'nt getting a new fridge!

 

[lukyman]

A bloke bought a new Mercedes and was out on the motorway for an evening spin. It was a gloriously hot sunny evening, the top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.
''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''

''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.

 

[lukyman]

A 75-year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls,and I had sex with each one three times"
The priest asks "How long has it been since your last confession?"
The man says "I have never been to confession,I'm Jewish"
"So why are you telling me?" asked the priest.
The man says"I'm telling everybody"
:mrgreen:

 

[lukyman]

A man goes into Waterstones and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

 

[TheForexGuy]

lucky man , thanks for the entertainment.

When are you going to get into the memes?

 

[lukyman]

A little boy catches his mum bouncing up and down on top of his father, the boy asks what they're doing? Mum replies 'dads got a big belly so I get on top and try to flatten it' The boy replies 'your wasting you're time because when you go shopping the lady next door gets down on her knees and blows it back up again!!' :shock: