Recent content by lukyman

Joe says to Paddy "close your curtains next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says "well the jokes on them, I wasn't even at home yesterday!"

YOU ARE A PLANNING TRADER You tend to be decisive and to the point. You can spot logical inefficiencies in the market easily and take advantage of them, especially if you are pointed in the right direction. You enjoy long-term planning and goal setting and seem to enjoy learning, expanding your...

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7year old "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you". "OK" says 4year old. Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew...

A doctor is sat in his shared practice examining a patient when another doctor suddenly bursts in through the door. "Dr. Smith, you've got to come to my room quick!" he gasped. "I have a woman in my room who has a vagina like a watermelon!" The doctor thought this has to be something he has to...

Why there are no male Agony Aunts - Dear Jim last week - I left for work as normal but having only gone a mile my car broke down so I walked home again & arriving unexpectedly I found my 16yr old babysitter handcuffed to the bed in her school uniform with my husband in the room, I am devastated...

While on holiday in Thailand i nearly had sex with a ladyboy. She looked like a lady, spoke like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady. It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed her car into the spot 1st time i thought hang on a minute .

I phoned the police the other day. "What's your emergency?" they asked I said "There's two girls fighting over me." "Ok" she paused "Well what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into...

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now...

I called 999 the other day because i thought the wife had died, the operator said how do you know? i said well the sex is the same but you should see the size of the ironing pile. ;)

A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face. The Doctor asks: "What happened?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around." The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take...

A little old man totters into a chemist for some viagra... He says.."I need em cut into quarters".. The chemist replies.."a quarter tablet will not give you much of a hard on".. The old man says "Im 96 years old and i don't have much use for a hard on...i just want it stickin out enough for...

Man sit's waiting for his wife to cook breakfast, he hears a thud and goes into the kitchen to find her dead on the floor. He goes into a blind panic, then suddenly remembers... Weatherspoons do an all-day breakfast for only £ 3.95!! :)

The wife suggested i get myself one of those penis enlargers.... so i did... she's 19 and her names Lucy 8-)